Today we’re talking about how to love yourself thin and tame that harsh inner critic. So you know what I’m talking about when I say inner critic, it’s that voice that’s going around and around in your head all day long, berating you and putting you down and saying negative harsh things. And what you’re saying to yourself every day can either help you be motivated and move forward, or it can be a major obstacle to reaching your goals. I am a firm believer that thoughts create emotions, emotions create actions, and then actions are what create the world around us.

Your outer world is a direct reflection of what is going on inside you. So for example, think about hoarders. Their home is a disaster. They have piles of junk and trash everywhere, and that is a mental disorder. So that’s an extreme example, but it shows you the chaos and the lack of organization and the struggle that’s going on inside their minds. And if you’re carrying extra weight, that is the outward projection of what’s going on inside you. So that is a reason to look within. And one of the biggest things you’ll find is that inner critic that is repeating negative thoughts to you over and over and over again.

Another example would be, let’s say you’re going to a cocktail party and you’re a little bit nervous about it. And you’re saying things to yourself like I’m going to embarrass myself or no one is going to talk to me, when you get there, you’re not going to appear relaxed. You’re not going to appear approachable. Your body language is going to be you reflecting what is inside your head. The negative predictions that you have in your head quickly turn into a self-fulfilling prophecy. It’s the underlying beliefs that we aren’t good enough, that we are a failure, that are predicting your future. And what we’re doing is we’re judging ourselves based on the past and what we perceive as our failures. We tend to look back and blow up all the bad and then skim over all the good. So it isn’t a way of looking at the past. It’s a way of judging ourselves negatively and telling ourselves that we’re going to repeat that pattern over and over again. And then that is exactly what happens. What we want to do instead is look back at the past with compassion and see that we were doing the best that we could with what we had at the time. And we can learn from that and do better. Now in the future, we think that that negative inner critic is helping us to achieve our goals. We feel like it’s kind of a coach that is protecting us from failure and pushing us to move forward and to do better. But what it’s actually doing is crushing our confidence. It is zapping our energy. It is putting us down and it isn’t going to create positive action.

I want to share with you three steps that can help you to turn this vicious cycle around.

#1 – Observe your inner monologue.
Become aware of what you are saying to yourself every day. Are you constantly saying negative things to yourself? Do you ever say anything positive about yourself?

#2 – Imagine the two inner selves that are in conflict with each other.
One is very attacking and hostile. And the other is the one that is receiving, who is hurt and upset by the horrible words that you’re saying to yourself. Seeing these two inner parts of yourself will help you realize how damaging you’re being to yourself.

#3 – If you wouldn’t say it to a friend, don’t say it to yourself.
Once you’re observing that inner monologue and you realize how harsh it is, consider that you would never say that to a friend or a loved one. If your friend came to you with a problem, you would offer her compassion and words of encouragement.

You’ve been talking to yourself for years and years and years. And it’s going to take a while to change that habit because it’s become a pattern, just like exercise. It’s something that you have to build up to little by little, and like everything else, you just have to take it slowly and you’ll see positive results.